VEGANS GONE WILD

Shifting Outcomes

At the totally vagan Café Gratitude restaurant chain in California, animal rights activists and some patrons of the restaurant are actively picketing and protesting, enraged that owners, Mathew and Terces Engelhart, have started eating meat.  In their private lives, that is.  Meat is not appearing anywhere on the menu at Café Gratitude.  Never mind that the restaurant chain is the biggest and reportedly best vegan restaurant in the state.  Once you associate the word "vegan" with your restaurant, then you, by extension, can never eat meat.  That's the logic. 

How do vegans gone wild relate to becoming a widow, and learning how to cope with the magnitude of that?  Everything, according to my experience.  Here's why.

There is subtle pressure not to change too much when your husband dies.  There is support for you to continue on, without him. Your life is your life, the one you have chosen, and there is pressure to "stick with it", "gut it out" and "carry on, soldier" --- especially in many family cultures.  Or, you may be relegated to a small number of traditional widow activities, mostly about cruise ships and socials.  By the way:  You might be the one doing said relegating.  I know I certainly tried to be a "good" widow for a long time.  Lame, but true.  I'm a chronic achiever crossed with a people pleaser. 
Suffice it to say that everyone who loves you wants to make this better for you, and quickly assigning a comfortable role for you is a perceived kindness.  Maybe it's an actual kindness.....but it should be up to you. 

At some point -- and for me, it was years -- you will face the prospect of Life Without Him.  In my case, I was fifty-four years old when Ted died.  I knew at that age that I might have a ways to go before I lay me down.   My age is now sixty-one, and it still looks like I might last a while.  So, what then?

If you are like me, or the vegan restaurateur Engelharts, you don't want to feel like you are betraying someone by not living up to what is expected. Human beings want and need to BELONG.  Belonging is YUGE.  Widows used to know where they belonged.   Now, that question may be muddy, difficult, and disorienting.  Chances are, you did things as a couple with other couples.  Now, every invitation may be perceived by you as another opportunity to be an uncomfortable third wheel.   Perhaps your married friends will try to get you remarried ASAP.  Or have tried already. 

I have a few suggestions:

• Let your family and friends know the totality of how you feel.  It takes a lot of time before you are through grief's first wave of horror and shock, when you fully realize that he is not coming back in human form to pick things up where the two of you left off.  Any family and friends still speaking to you will probably be supportive. 
• Maybe you don't know what you want to do with your life.  So?  Just let the aforementioned remaining loved ones know that you are going to go through a trial and error period that may, or may not, end. 
• Get ready to do what you want.  See a psychologist or ten....get some professional help to clarify what your options and preferences are.  Talk to a financial advisor.  If you lost every penny you have when your husband died, AARP, community resources, churches, and some counties and cities all have resources that can connect you to subsidized housing, part-time and full-time employment, or whatever you may need. It's quite literally never too late in life to begin.
• Give yourself credit for subtle changes you have already made.  I went to a writing class about five years into widowhood.  In one assignment, I had to write a simple list of the steps I had taken to learn something new.  I wrote about how to operate our Kabota.  I treasure that document.  My lessons began when Ted was alive, and ended after.  You have probably been making imperceptible changes in your life that you chose, in addition to the ones foisted upon you by death.  Write them down, a step at a time.  See yourself crawl by inches, toddle, and walk. 

In my book, "The Widow Lessons" (Amazon),I guide readers through some of the steps I took to find a new path. Today, my path feels like the right one for me.  But, changes within or outside of my control will undoubtedly come along.  I am not chiseling my identity out of marble.  I think of my life now as a dresser drawer, full of assorted Legos.   

Steps I Took to Learn Kabota Operation

By Bridget Clawson

1.       Sat on Kabota while Ted showed me controls for bucket

2.       Rode  Kabota over uneven terrain

3.       Encountered terror of tippy Kabota on uneven terrain

4.       Listened as Ted dished terror antidotes (aka Kabota facts)

5.       Swiveled seat to operate backhoe

6.       Sat on Kabota while Ted showed me controls for backhoe

7.       Removed stump with backhoe while being tutored by Ted

8.       Decided to use Kabota after Ted’s death

9.       Abandoned Kabota in situ during terror episodes

10.   Used regular gas instead of diesel netting $800 repair bill

11.   Negotiated barter with neighbor Jeff:  Borrow Kabota in trade for handyman

12.   Learned further Kabota operation tips from Jeff

13.   Found Kabota peace with limited use by me

14.   Asked neighbor Steve to get stuck Kabota out of woods

15.   Discovered back tires spew chalk when punctured by sticks in woods

16.   Learned Les Schwab not just for car tire sales

17.   Called Jeff or Steve to request operator assistance for advanced projects

18.   Made plans to practice backhoe solo

19.   Shook dirt from excavated vegetation using backhoe

20.   Wished I had not done step number 19  on windy day

21.   Remained patient with self