TO CLING AND TO GROW

Now, summer in the garden is really showing off.  Whatever is made to climb, is vaulting.  Whatever is natural at sprawling, is hogging up real estate.  The clingers are my favorites -- attaching themselves for dear life.  I totally relate to the clingers.  If I care about something, I tend to attach myself.  I go all out.  I'll probably be "all in" about some things for a lifetime.  I don't know yet.  But what I do know is, I know how to cling.

"Oh!  You should have seen it last week!"

This is what a gardening enthusiast will say to another gardening enthusiast when in each other's garden.  It's a tradition, and a soft form of competition to be the best.  I don't say it -- probably because I'm not a stop on any garden tour, not in magazines with pictures of my garden, not spending all winter planning my next year garden.  I gave up trying to garden years ago, and therein lies my modest success as a happy gardener. 

I can, however, relate to the sentiment of you should have seen it last week.  When I became a widow, compliments became difficult to bear.  Instead of "Thank you," I always felt like saying "You should have seen me before."   I want everyone to know I was really great, then.  Kind of like the fifty-year old football player or homecoming queen who still puts high school achievements on his/her resume.  I understand. 

Today, I realized that I no longer feel as strongly that my best self was only and could only be as Ted's soul mate, life partner, wife.  Could it be that perhaps I, alone, am worth an interesting and fulfilling life?  The darkest thought:  Did I really fail to keep Ted alive and now must atone with the remnant of a life from here on out?  I am starting to think not. 

I met a second-grade teacher who moved to a new school after fourteen years at another.  She gets paid less, because most of her new students don't speak much, if any, English.  "Tell me more," I said.  She told me that teacher pay in our state (Washington) is calculated in part on student test scores.  It takes almost no time for a child to learn conversational English, but about five years for a child to learn academic English.  Academic English is conceptual, such as the meaning of "character" and "setting" and so forth.  Most non-English speaking students will be proficient in both conversational and academic English by Junior High.  Obviously, this teacher's student test scores will not completely reflect her value to these students.   The students are at the beginning of a unique learning curve, but their test scores are compared with all students within the school district.

I didn't know that.  I also discovered that this particular teacher chose to work in the school she is in now, because it offered her "unique opportunities to make a difference in students' lives," -- in her own words.  "I had also never worked with non-English speaking children before, and I wanted to learn."  I believe there are some opportunities to grow that are worth more in value than dollars lost.  I admire her.  I am proud of myself for the times I chose to grow, even though it meant having less money. 

Can a clinger be a grower?  In the garden, yes.  Elsewhere?    I've written in this blog before about the healing nature of dichotomous thinking for someone who is in grief.  It eases pain to accept not knowing whether or not a particular outcome will come to pass.  For me, I can cling to my life story, my love story, my family story.  I can grow.  And I can write another chapter. Just because I am living the life I have now against my will, doesn't mean I am not allowed to make it a meaningful one, part of an entire life that was meaningful.  My day today would not have unfolded as it did had Ted lived.  And I love my day today. 

In his book, The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh talks about washing the dishes to wash the dishes.  He makes the point that when I wash dishes just to get them washed and move on, I am not going to be mentally present.  To wash dishes to wash dishes, I can feel alive and calm myself in the simple act of being present.  Naturally, he is opposed to automatic dish washing.  Nevertheless, I get it. 

So, I cling.  I grow.  I can talk about my life, past.  I can talk about my now.  Whoever encounters me today -- more than seven years a widow, more than thirty-nine years a mother, forty-one years Ted's wife -- that person will encounter all of who I am.  Spoken or Silent.

I offer Plum Village Peace Center as worth visiting, on line -- unless you can make it to Paris.  Thich Nhat Hanh's life story is an incredible journey away from violence, toward healing and peace.  Martin Luther King, Jr. nominated him for a Nobel Peace Prize.  He lives in exile in Paris, and started the Plum Village there.  It's healing to me, just reading about his work and his teachings.  I don't find them to be out of reach for a clinger who wants to keep growing. 

Click Here:  Thich Nhat Hanh and Plum Village Peace Center

Thich Nhat Hanh