 |
| Grief and Hope |
In my life, it’s been an emotional
few days that have also been filled with hopeful new prospects. I write
that because it is true, and also because I am consciously practicing an Eastern way of thinking. My observation is that it’s not hardwired in the dominant American culture to hold
two opposing ideas simultaneously, as many Eastern cultures do. As a nation, whose business has been described as business, we are collectively fond of right and wrong, left and right, good and bad. I
have found, however, that grief is made easier to live with in this holding of
two opposing ideas simultaneously.
I now have six grandchildren who are
growing up without Ted to enjoy them, help them, know them.
This can be overwhelming at moments. With this sad reality to weep about, it seems strange that I would find something like purchasing a camper to be an even bigger trigger. But, right after I purchased a 2017
white teardrop camper trailer (T@B Max S) with green metallic trim and an indoor bathroom, I was stricken with grief. It was jolting.
In the grandchildren's faces, smiles and lives, I see Ted. In the teardrop camper, I see only me. It will be me, alone, backing it up, hooking
it up, setting it up, taking it places, exploring. Only me.
I bought it Friday, and I will pick it up later this week when my Subaru is
outfitted to haul it. I have no idea how
long it will take me to get it backed up and into my one car garage, on a
slope. But, I will do it. To me, all of this has made me feel like a fresh widow
all over again. It hurts. Simultaneously, I’m excited about it.
There are two named types of grief
that are soothed by the holding of two opposing ideas,
simultaneously. One, ambiguous grief, is
experienced by those whose loved ones are missing, kidnapped, disappeared. They don't necessarily have to be dead. For example, dementia patients disappear slowly, while still alive and while loving families witness. Survivors of the Twin Towers explosion don’t
have a body to bury. In the infamous case of Lacey
Petterson and baby, first missing, then only partial remains found, her family will always be longing for a resolution of those missing parts. Some murder and kidnap victims are never
located. This type of grief is by definition, unresolvable. For 9-1-1 survivors, the memorial reportedly helps. For the missing, an idea that the
body, or the person, may or may not return, helps. Something as simple as the
two opposing views “may or may not,” brings relief to many. Nothing completely resolves ambiguous
grief.
Ironically, our nation’s history
is replete with ambiguous grief. Many people alive today grew up in families who left everything behind to come here. Their loved ones still in homeland were alive, but also lost forever. Even today, refuges and immigrants are crossing our borders, and leaving everything to do so. Millions of us have
family histories in America that are based on unresolvable grief. The great strength of America comes from persevering
through the worst type of grief, and I think it is a precious national strength and treasure. There
is also an emotional cost, and families do not always remain intact in an unresolved
grief environment.
Complicated grief is potentially resolvable, but always long-lasting. While many bereft are able to build a new life after the loss of a loved one, some are not. Guilt, shock, inability to cope -- all contribute to complicated grief. A gravesite, if there is one, is not always enough. Some spend their lives trying to find a way through to the afterlife that is tangible and “earthy,” such as ghost visitations and communication through mediums. I have no idea if there has ever been any legitimate success on that front. It may, or may not be achievable. This idea is helpful to me. The door is open for Ted and for me. In the meantime, there are teardrop campers in which to venture forth.
Complicated grief is potentially resolvable, but always long-lasting. While many bereft are able to build a new life after the loss of a loved one, some are not. Guilt, shock, inability to cope -- all contribute to complicated grief. A gravesite, if there is one, is not always enough. Some spend their lives trying to find a way through to the afterlife that is tangible and “earthy,” such as ghost visitations and communication through mediums. I have no idea if there has ever been any legitimate success on that front. It may, or may not be achievable. This idea is helpful to me. The door is open for Ted and for me. In the meantime, there are teardrop campers in which to venture forth.
When I was buying my teardrop, one
salesman at the dealership stood out. He
was elderly, got around using a cane, not connecting with anyone or anything
going on in the same manner as his colleagues. I asked my salesman about
him. I learned that this older man spent his life savings on a
dealership of his own – in excess of a million dollars, saved a dollar at a time over a
lifetime. He lost everything within a year, during the
Great Recession a few years back. He was
a workaholic, with no family of his own.
For him, there will be no coming back.
Really? Perhaps he is holding two opposing
views. “I am elderly. I may or may not earn enough to rebuild my
savings.” There is grief there,
too. Any loss that is cataclysmic to an
individual can be complicated, even ambiguous.
Holding two opposing ideas simultaneously brings relief, but there is no closure.
In fact, there is no such thing as closure for those who grieve. This, I know to be true for me, and the bereavement counseling community has enough empirical data to agree. There are ways to cope and live productively without closure. These two opposing ideas coexist in my mind.
Pauline Boss has written extensively
about ambiguous grief, and was the first psychologist to name the term. She changed grief counseling with her
thinking in the 1970’s. She studied MIA
families, their unresolvable grief and how it progressed.
Or not. Today, she also works
with people who deal with grief from dementia – the ambiguous grief of losing
someone who is still alive. I think you
will find her work a balm to sooth so many forms of grief that we sometimes
deny.
As for me and my teardrop camper: This is my first foray since Ted's death into the larger world outside my family and my work. I know I want to see more of my nation, visit faraway family, meet new people, take photographs, blog and write short stories. And, I don't travel without my dogs, Oliver and Miss Kitty. Still though, it's a big step for me. I'm feeling deep trepidations, as it feels a little like running away from home.
As for me and my teardrop camper: This is my first foray since Ted's death into the larger world outside my family and my work. I know I want to see more of my nation, visit faraway family, meet new people, take photographs, blog and write short stories. And, I don't travel without my dogs, Oliver and Miss Kitty. Still though, it's a big step for me. I'm feeling deep trepidations, as it feels a little like running away from home.
Interested in more about ambiguous
and complicated grief? Click Here:
Interested in Teardrop Camper
Trailers? Click Here:
